Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize