White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
