The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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