Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
