Kiss
Puke
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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