your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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