why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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