theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
