The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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