my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
