Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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