ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
