i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I FOUND THE LEGS
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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