I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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