so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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