you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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