sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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