I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
