If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
