you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
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And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
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I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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