fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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