YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
