If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
