his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
