4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Four minutes until I can fart!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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