good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize