its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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