I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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