so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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