weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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