Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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