i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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