I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
