Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
