When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
