The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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