Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
