You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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