So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
