I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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