hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i think i have two assholes
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
