OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
