so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
