Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You pole danced in your parka.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
