When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
well you can't waste a boner
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
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the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
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That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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