The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I need to sanitize my soul.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
