I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
