It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
