and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
