What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
