Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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