i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
