well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
