you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
and you fell through a lawn chair
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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