Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
